Who gets the ashes: funeral directors caught in the crossfire

Disputes Over Cremated Remains and the Challenges Facing Funeral Directors

The law is not the most dynamic of tools, and legislation around cremation is certainly not at the top of Parliament’s agenda. Crucially, the law is not designed to decide the “right home” for cremated remains. Its primary concern is that ashes are disposed of correctly and lawfully.

That distinction matters — because disputes over cremation ashes are becoming increasingly common.

Why disputes are on the rise

Two well-established social trends are driving this:

1. Ashes are now routinely removed from crematoria rather than scattered in gardens of remembrance

2. Family structures are more complex, with separation, remarriage and blended families now the norm

Put simply, more ashes are leaving crematoria, and more families are in disagreement about who should hold them. The result is an increase in conflict — and, unfairly, funeral directors and crematoria often find themselves caught in the middle.

Increasingly, they are accused of having released ashes to the “wrong person”.

Who should funeral directors release ashes to?

Before anyone reaches for pitchforks, it’s worth being clear — in plain English — about what funeral directors are legally required to do.

• Funeral directors must follow the instructions of the applicant for cremation

• The applicant may be:

  • The executor of the will (the primary option)

  • A near relative aged 16 or over

  • If neither applies, a person nominated by the medical referee

• Ashes should be released only to the applicant

• Ashes should be signed for

• They must not be released to anyone else unless the applicant gives written permission

If you have concerns, it is important to write to the funeral director before the ashes are released. Even then, their ability to intervene is extremely limited unless solicitors become involved.

A crucial point many people misunderstand

The person who receives the ashes does not own them.

Legally, the applicant holds the ashes as a trustee, not as an owner. Their role is to safeguard the ashes for the purpose of final disposal, not to assert personal control over them.

Where there is no executor, entitlement usually passes down the line of relatives — which can become complicated when there are two or more people with equal standing (for example, adult children). Importantly, “next of kin” is not an automatic right to control or dispose of ashes.

Practical advice if a dispute arises

• Make a will and express your wishes clearly (though admittedly, if you’re reading this, that advice may come too late)

• If a dispute already exists, please don’t take it out on the funeral director — they are following the law

• Speak directly to the person holding the ashes and explain that they are a trustee, not an owner

• Persevere in seeking an amicable solution — fighting over ashes is unlikely to reflect the wishes of the deceased

• Unless there are strong religious objections, consider dividing the ashes, which often allows everyone involved to find peace

A quiet note from Scattering Ashes

Where families reach agreement, choosing a clear and shared plan for memorialisation — whether scattering, interment, or keeping a small portion — can help prevent further conflict and provide closure for everyone involved.

Important note:
We recognise this is an extremely sensitive area. This article is intended as an informal guide, not a legal document. Even where relationships are strained, speaking openly with other family members can often prevent a painful disagreement from becoming something far harder to resolve.